no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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