I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
vagina is talking i cant
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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