i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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