I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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