when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
