i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
