i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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