Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
