here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
