If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
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