I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
