So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
