saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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