ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
