I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
