a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
