Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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