I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
