it's not cheating when I paid for it
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
