I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
