At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
