I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
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DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
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I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I love you.
Bad choice
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