Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
should my penis look like a turkey
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i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
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We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.