Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Are my feet made of real feet?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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