I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
