I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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