I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
