i love accidental penises.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
