just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
