dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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