I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
