I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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