i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
