There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
