Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
