this beer tastes like vomit already
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
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I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
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driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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