are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Barsexuality is the new black.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
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