My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
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he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
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I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.