Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.