when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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