just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just had sex on a roof
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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