remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
