theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
