I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
