I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
