My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
So much Jack, so little girl.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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