Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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