There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
