He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
