just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
