nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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