I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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