watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
