I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
