My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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