Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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