we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
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I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
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I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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