i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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